As Usual

It is 5:15 in the morning and my sleep's gone. I just dreamt of you and I've finally decided to write this down.

This one had a hazy beginning somewhere on the road between your house and mine - the one that went across the depression left by the flood. We were there at the bottom where something was going on. I don't remember what; something like a movie shoot with you in it. It had just ended. There were a lot of people, and there were a few cars going up each way to drop people. I was standing there with the other bystanders. You know my house is close to that place. When you came walking towards me, I wasn't sure if you would speak to me, or if you wanted me to speak to you. I just stood there while you passed me, giving me a long, questioning look.

As usual you had someone with you. As usual he was trying to be friends this modern, hep way I have not grown comfortable with. In a way you do not seem to mind. And with a last long look at me, you two started up in his jeep. That last look actually had me walking towards you. And when I saw you had started, to avoid looking like a fool I kept walking. I thought I'd go home. I started walking up the slope, following you with my eyes, and you were still looking at me, along with your friend. Smiling. Your jeep was painfully slow.

What?

Walking slowly with my arms hugging myself, I realised I must be looking like a loser. Maybe that is why you were looking at me. Maybe the two of you were laughing at me. Or maybe it was breaking your heart to see me walk slowly like a loser. And you were feeling terrible about not speaking to me after I had been standing there the last two hours. Good. I think I wanted you to feel exactly that. I kept walking like that. And near the end of the road, where there is the lane that goes to my house, you stopped and jumped out of the jeep.

I lowered my hands, clenched them inside the pockets of my jacket and quickened my pace. I did not want to give you a lot of time to change your mind again if you were waiting for me. Soon I could see your face from where I was. That slightly sad, loving, mocking expression I adore but never understand. I think I must have been close to breaking into a jog when you hopped back into the jeep and looked over your shoulders. The jeep started again. I knew you had just started it to exasperate me. The jeep teased, rolling, stopping. And then you were round the corner and I could hear the jeep idling, waiting.

I knew at that point that I did not want to meet you. I looked down the slopes on the sides of the road. I started down that slope and I knew you couldn't find me now even if you came back and looked. And I knew you would. I heard the jeep reversing.

I knew you must have felt bad and maybe I wanted you to feel bad about the way you were. It just isn't fair on the other person. I felt heavy and bitter in my heart as I climbed down the cement and rock. It had been close but it was over. We had again parted on that border between sad and stupid.

As usual!